How to be a DJ

I recently bought a new DJ mixer. Little did I know this would turn into a FULL-ON, LIFE STORY! I've chronicled this below (with pictures!) for posterity. In case people think I just sit in front of soundcloud favoriting music all-day, you are wrong! I only do that every other day. I also write useless tutorials, like this one....


How to be a DJ in 12 Easy Steps

Step 1
Like all pieces of your DJ setup, impulse-buy your new mixer after seeing it offered for 100 bucks less on Ebay. Post on FB about it.

Step 2
Also use FB to bitch out UPS when they fuck-up your mixer delivery.
Step 3
When your shipment finally does arrive, blather off something about the 5 stages of grief so you appear less like a crazy person.
Step 4
Unpackage your shiny, new mixer and make space for it on your DJ table. Take the time to setup your power and RCA cables neatly (you only want to deal with that shit once, so do it right). Realize that the outlet for your new mixer is too short to reach your power strip. Look for an extension cord that you do not have. Give up the goose and daisy chain the fuck out of another power strip because you are not about to move a 100lb shelf by yourself to allocate a closer power source (Don't do this part!).
Step 5
Because you procrastinate and perpetually live on 10 GBs of free HDD space (5 of which your OS needs to function properly) begin the 6 day process that is cleaning out your Downloads folder enough to backup your hard drive to time machine. Don't take this process for granted. It means listening to 15 GBs of mp3s (hundreds of folders, thousands of songs) and reducing it down to 2. Don't forget to acknowledge how awesome your taste in music is. Celebrate this success by drinking some non-caffeinated blueberry tea because it's late and you have work tomorrow.
Step 6
Backup your shit to time machine. Remind your friends to backup their computers on FB because apparently you only post status updates when music-related things happen in your life (trufax).
Step 7
Replace your tiny 160 GB hard drive with a fatty 500 GB one. Wait forever while time machine restores your old data.
Step 7.5
Relish in all your NEW FREEEEEE SPACE!
Step 8
Download and install Traktor 2 for your new mixer. Make this face when the installer says you need OSX 10.6 to install it (you have 10.5).
Step 9
Figure out some legitimate way to upgrade to Snow Leopard. Boot from USB drive Macgyverness was involved. BAM! Now you are only 2 releases behind the times!
Step 10
Restart your machine half a dozen times while Apple downloads ALL THE UPDATES EVERRRRR!!! Console yourself by reading your new mixer's manual.
Step 11
Do everything involved with restoring your computer to the customized state it was in before your unplanned upgrade. Curse Apple when you find out it got rid of context menu plugin support in Snow Leopard, but install the workaround because "Mama can't live without her right-click > convert to MP3 shortcut!" #geekgirl
Step 12
Start up your daisy chained power strip. Turn on your mixer and turntables. Connect your laptop. Open Traktor. Calibrate everything. Fiddle with your stylus. Power on your speakers. Dust off your vinyl. Drop that record, baby, cause you finally got your new mixer workin'!!!!!

Now you are a DJ. Go forth with your powers and use them wisely. Do you like my clock?

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Meet the Author

Hi, I am Julie.
Sometimes Jules Juke.
This is where I ramble, reflect, and refocus.