little miss pollyanna

The last time I blogged was in January?

Ewww.

I decided the layout needed a face lift to get me motivated to post again, but in all honestly I'm more than a little pressed to find words right now.

Of the now? I'm multitasking. Doing a whole bunch of things I really shouldn't be wasting my time on, but it's my reward for doing homework the other day (on a Saturday, wtf?). To be brief I'm currently in the midst of cueing Always Alive 025, spinning the new Run Kid Run disk (which btw, is fucking awesome and everyone should own it), and writing up this blog. After this I need to finish reading my chapter on anxiety disorders then code up my Netflix assignment for databases.

My world has become such a whirlwind of academia and summer internship finding that I'm left with little but my own stressors banging against my head every 4 hours. Which is why the phone call I received the other day from my sister was an unexpected but pleasant surprise. She wanted to know what I was doing for the summer (God, if I knew). I know I need to be more proactive about my situation so I'm going to give myself some personal instruction. Call CES first thing Monday morning to setup an appointment! DO IT DAMMIT!

Alright, now that I've settled that...back to my sister's phone call. She had an odd, daunting, but exciting proposition for me. A bright shiny opportunity that due to my defeatist attitude sort of morphed into a fear of failure for me. Typical. Anyway, she basically wants me to write a script for a short she wants to produce. I told her that I hadn't been in a creative headspace for 2 and half years, and my current writing style was so technical and fact-based that I would be more inclined to arrange the music for her short than be its plot master. Reading over that paragraph seems to demonstrate my point exactly...

My sister, ever the persistent sibling that she is (why couldn't I inherit some of those genes?) told me she was a strong believer that talent never completely disappears, that even if you don't use it for a while you never lose the ability. I didn't want to burst her bubble so I didn't bring up Micheal Jordan's NBA career arc, something at which he clearly didn't have the old mojo for when he came back. But whatever, I know life's not about doing everything perfect and being a rock star, but it's so hard to break 10 years of maladaptive learning. So I told her to give me until the end of school (a point at which I should know where I'll be and what I'll be doing during the summer) to give her a definitive "yes" or "no" about whether I'll do it. It especially sucks because I feel a sort of sisterly obligation to at least give it a shot. Moreover, how often is someone lucky enough to be handed a platform so effortlessly? But again, that stupid fear of failure shit....which really shouldn't be an issue since I've already failed in more than one aspect in my life and seemed to make out of it just fine. I think I need to have a talk with Ray when I go back home this summer.

Anyway, I've wasted too much time here. I'm not sure how theraputic that actually was since all the feelings were already there clouding my head. But now that I've got all the negatives out, it should be easier to do the fucking actions, right?

let go
let yourself fall into the light
need to learn to let go
let the old die

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Meet the Author

Hi, I am Julie.
Sometimes Jules Juke.
This is where I ramble, reflect, and refocus.